We are the people our parents warned us about.

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Dukes and Dutchesses
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

princess-of-lore:

mycheekyfinn:

official-nasa:

monilip:

dont-stop-runninggg:

knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit

wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad 

That was deep

philosophy is wondering if that means ketchup is a smoothie

That was deeper.

common sense is knowing that ketchup isn’t a damn smoothie you nasty

(Source: whattt-fucking-ever, via ladiess-and-gentlemen)

theconsultingrenegade:

bestquius:

bestquius:

There’s this asshole who every time he sees me with my ukulele he thinks he’s funny and asks “Can you play any Metallica?” but the joke is now on him because I just learned how to play the intro riff to Master of Puppets.

I did it. I fucking did it. He asked me again just like I knew he would and I stared him straight in the eyes without blinking and just fucking shredded on my ukulele

image

(Source: meidosuji, via ladiess-and-gentlemen)

       girlwitch003-deactivated2014072

langsettte:

omg guys! i literally just installed this thing where people who *think* they’re clicking on anon, aren’t. and well well well look what we have here

me:image

you:

image

what kind of extreme inbreeding teas! what kind of i live on a ranch and sneak into the barn every night and have sex with my brother and my horse teas?

and of course, you follow me. proof that in general, hate mail comes from fans who’s presence we are literally unaware of

image

I mean I could go on but I’m literally beyond embarrassed on your behalf i hope your future employer at the gas station sees this and decides not to hire you you ugly squidward bitch

notifigaytion:

if finland’s country border isnt called the finnish line then i have nothing to live for

(via ladiess-and-gentlemen)